I don't understand suicide...Depression, yes...but suicide....never.
Not that it hasn't crossed my mind a couple of times, it has...but only for a moment...only long enough to ask myself, "Are you CRAZY" !!!
See, I am all about the determination not to let myself get bogged down in the quicksand that is depression.
If depression is my enemy, then I am resolute in that I WILL BE a stronger warrior than He...and, I WILL win that battle ...EVERYTIME !
It just IS who I am...and, even though I KNOW that people DO get so depressed and fall into such a pit of despair, that no matter how HARD they may want to get out...they can't seem to grasp hold of any rope that is thrown at them, to help them survive...I still don't understand why they can't just "snap out of it" ...and, I really don't mean to sound cruel, or to make light of the seriousness of Depression. I don't...
I know it is real...My own son has fought with Depression many times...I've seen him struggle to avoid it, to not let it get a hold of him, to move past it...and, that turn of words I used...the pit you want so desperately to get out of, but just can't seem to grasp hold of the rope...those are his words...his description of it...so, even though I do not understand it, I KNOW it is real...I know it is SO painful...
It is painful, as a Mother, to watch your child go through it, and feel helpless to do anything about it...but, I'm being completely honest here...I still do NOT understand it...
Christmas Eve, as we waited for another member of our party to arrive, to begin our celebration of the day, our communion with each other... we were unaware that she had already taken her life.
I don't know "why" !
There is no why, that justify's that for me...so, it doesn't matter, why...
Why is, and will always be, just an empty room with nothing in it, but maybe speculation...
In retrospect, sure there were little signs, that today, we understand completely, but just didn't see before...
So, today, a lot of us feel guilt for that, and we ask ourselves,
Did she think the world didn't need her ?
Of course it did.
Did she feel she had no purpose ?
We ALL do.
Did she not feel loved ?
She was loved...she was dearly loved and will be missed...
I don't really know why I am writing this, except that I feel extremely sad right now...and, I want people to know that this really happens...and can happen to all of us...so, make sure everyday, that those you love, KNOW they are loved...KNOW they are valued...NEEDED !
Death is hard enough, when it is from natural causes...
Suicide is not painless...
Sandy, I am so sorry for your loss and what you have written makes perfect sense to me. Suicide is something I have never understood and seems such a selfish act. As you know, I was a widow at 35 with 2 young children from suicide and it hurts everyone involved. It not only hurt me and the children, it also hurt all of his family and friends. Even when we see it coming, know all of the signs, or it is not the first attempt, we are helpless to stop it. When a person is sick and does not want to accept help that is offered there is not much we can do beyond assuring them that we love and need them and sometimes that is not even enough... Love & {{Hugs}}
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