A sad entry

I don't understand suicide...Depression, yes...but suicide....never.
Not that it hasn't crossed my mind a couple of times, it has...but only for a moment...only long enough to ask myself, "Are you CRAZY" !!!
See, I am all about the determination not to let myself get bogged down in the quicksand that is depression.
If depression is my enemy, then I am resolute in that I WILL BE a stronger warrior than He...and, I WILL win that battle ...EVERYTIME !
It just IS who I am...and, even though I KNOW that people DO get so depressed and fall into such a pit of despair, that no matter how HARD they may want to get out...they can't seem to grasp hold of any rope that is thrown at them, to help them survive...I still don't understand why they can't just "snap out of it" ...and, I really don't mean to sound cruel, or to make light of the seriousness of Depression. I don't...
I know it is real...My own son has fought with Depression many times...I've seen him struggle to avoid it, to not let it get a hold of him, to move past it...and, that turn of words I used...the pit you want so desperately to get out of, but just can't seem to grasp hold of the rope...those are his words...his description of it...so, even though I do not understand it, I KNOW it is real...I know it is SO painful...
It is painful, as a Mother, to watch your child go through it, and feel helpless to do anything about it...but, I'm being completely honest here...I still do NOT understand it...
Christmas Eve, as we waited for another member of our party to arrive, to begin our celebration of the day, our communion with each other... we were unaware that she had already taken her life.
I don't know "why" !
There is no why, that justify's that for me...so, it doesn't matter, why...
Why is, and will always be, just an empty room with nothing in it, but maybe speculation...
In retrospect, sure there were little signs, that today, we understand completely, but just didn't see before...
So, today, a lot of us feel guilt for that, and we ask ourselves,
Did she think the world didn't need her ?
Of course it did.
Did she feel she had no purpose ?
We ALL do.
Did she not feel loved ?
She was loved...she was dearly loved and will be missed...
I don't really know why I am writing this, except that I feel extremely sad right now...and, I want people to know that this really happens...and can happen to all of us...so, make sure everyday, that those you love, KNOW they are loved...KNOW they are valued...NEEDED !
Death is hard enough, when it is from natural causes...
Suicide is not painless...

Bittersweet

I started writing after Mom died...poetry, prose, short stories...mostly just expression of all the emotion I was dealing with at the time. It was therapeutic for me.

When I left home (Jackson) for the last time, knowing I wouldn't be returning, I wrote this...

and....so, as I stand here, waiting to go,

I feel I can't leave without letting you know,

that in just a few moments a new era begins,

and I hope this is how the old one will end.

By remembering the moments, remembering the smiles,

and measuring no distance between us but miles...

There was more to it, but I can't remember it now...It was written to one person, but as the years went by, I realized it was really to everyone I had left behind.

Everyone who had a part in the making of me...

Each and everyone of them, a fiber in the tapestry that I would become.

Yesterday, I found out that one of those who contributed to who I am, left us this year.

I re-connected with an old friend, and asked about Lori, fully expecting to hear that she was doing fine, living in blah blah, doing great things (because I knew that she would) and the LAST thing I expected to hear was that she is gone.

Well, not "Gone"...because I don't believe we are ever truely, "Gone" !

Just take yesterday, in fact....Lori was with me all day, after I got that news...

Couldn't shake her...

Everytime I turned around, her energy was right there with me.

Flashback's of times we shared....the faint sound of her laughter tickling me throughout the day.

Even now, I can feel her...standing right over my shoulder, reading as I type...

No, she is not gone...

She is in my heart. She is in my memory. She is a fiber in the tapestry of who so many of us are.

She is in her work, that she left behind for all of us to have, and she is in the eye's and familiar gesture's of her children, and their children...and she will go on forever...

But, I sure wish that I could have hugged her one more time...