Reality Bites !

I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis back in 01 ( If my MS brain remembers correctly) somewhere around there, anyway.
Doc asked me then if I wanted to file for my disability, to which I responded, " You have GOT to be kidding...who the EFF can live on that." ???
Not to mention that I really love Nursing.
I have to admit though, that, in the beginning, I chose Nursing for one reason and one reason only...job security !
I mean, I used to faint at the sight of blood....I DID !
but, see...I married a musician...and, one of us HAD to have a real job, to survive, if we intended to stay married...
God intended for me to be a Nurse though....I know this, because Nursing, not only fed my family...it fed my soul.
I met and worked with, and cared for, and became close to so many wonderful people.
Many, who have remained in my life until even now.
I wasn't about to give that up.
I continued to work.
I was determined not to let MS dictate how I lived my life...control my life.
I did pretty good for awhile...had bad days and good days...maybe a few bad weeks, here and there, if a flare was really bad, but I managed.
Almost made it ten more years, and then the chair got me...
Office chair tumped (yes, tumped is a word in the south) me out and then fell on top of me, across my neck and shoulders, and ended up being the straw that almost broke this bitches neck !
C 4/5 and 5/6 fused and then 2 more surgeries to a torn rotator cuff ( they can cut my neck anyday, before I'll let them do THAT again) and now, facing yet another surgery on C5/6 again.
Well, stuff such as this is like gasoline on a fire, where MS is concerned...
I've had more crap with the MS in the two years since the Battle of the Chair, than I ever had before, but I still refused to file.
Kept hoping that I'd get better and be able to go back to work.
When my arm still wouldn't work after the shoulder surgery, I finally conceded, and filed though.
It is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Why ???
Because, even now...my brain refuses (to some extent) to accept that I can't BE a good Nurse anymore.
If something happens or someone asks me a question, I still shift into NURSE mode.
I guess I always will.
How does that go....You can take the girl out of Nursing, but you cannot take the Nurse out of the girl.
Even when I finally filed for disability, I was convinced that it would only be temporary.
I had set this goal for myself, that I would Nurse until I couldn't walk anymore...if that day ever came.
It never occured to me, that you needed two good arms to do it too ..and STAMINA !
and a brain (that works)
Most day's I am ok...but other day's, ...ummm...and it was on one of THOSE day's, not too long ago, that it finally dawned on me, that, if I had been working that day...what kind of care would I have been able to give my patients ?
Would "I" have wanted me to be MY Nurse !
and, that, my friends...is when reality BIT me !
If I cannot be the kind of Nurse I would want for myself, or for my child, or parent... then I don't want to do it anymore...and, I can't.
Well, lemme tell you...THAT HURT !
I cried and threw myself a good hissy fit, and then went to my pity party, and had too much whine ...and cried myself to sleep, and woke up the next day, as hungover as if I really had drank too much wine.
I knew however, that I'd finally hit that wall, that had the billboard on it that said to me, Your done !
I don't have any choice but to accept it now.
I am NOT "done" though.
There will be other things for me to do.
Stories to write, animal's to rescue, volunteer stuff.
I will have this next surgery, and then it's Katy, Bar the Door !
I'm going to live everyday as fully as I can until I ain't breathing anymore.
Nursing might not be a part of it, but I can live with that now.
Reality BIT, and now, I am biting back !