Goodbye 13 !

Other than the fact that it puts me that much closer to sixty, I will not be sad to see you go !
13, you have NOT been kind...
You took my sister in April, and left me the only surviving member of the immediate family that I grew up with, and I can't describe how weird that feels. I miss Momma, Daddy and Susie, as much today (if not more) as ever. I still reach for the phone to call Susie and share a cup of coffee with her in the mornings...I have short term memory loss, and sometimes I forget. The WHAM that comes with remembering, still knocks the breath out of me.
Then you took Regina, and I was like...OK, That's ENOUGH !
We knew each other only a few years, and maybe talked once a week, maybe every two weeks, and had lunch once in a while, but I miss those talks, and those times. Such a wonderful, dear person...our lives are lessened without her. Without both of them.
I am grateful that you took both of them, BAM !
Just like *THAT*though.
They did not suffer, and if I have to let them go,and if I am honest, having seen the suffering that I have seen in all those years of Nursing,  I am glad it was that way.
They say, it comes in three's, and I guess that's true, because it seems you were not content, with Susie & Regina...You also had to take Chris and Melonie. Both, in the prime of their youth...so much life left to live...I don't understand why, but I am not supposed to, I guess.
I just know, it hurts, and life has changed for so many who love them and miss them.
There has been pain and loss in 13, but we go on...and I continue to be grateful for the MANY Blessings in my life. Sunrises and sunsets that bowl me over, defeating MS, by remaining vertical and moving. Family and friends, new and old, two legged and 4 legged,  who are my reason for that !  Having *Enough* !
So, it's been rough, and it's been pretty good too, but I am optimistic about 14.
I have a good feeling about it.
I hope you do too.
Happy New Year & God Bless !

First Blogged Book Review

Hi y'all,
I have not made a blog post in quite some time.
It's rare that I sit in front of this box that long anymore, I usually just play on my phone.
I have done some book review's on Amazon, and rated and shared good (and not so good) books on Goodreads in the past, but I have never, until now, been so enamored with a book, that I thought to blog about it.
This book changed that. (Thank you, Star)
The Last Supper Catering Company, by Michaelene McElRoy.
http://www.michaelenemcelroy.com/
The most excellent book I have read this year, or last year, for that matter.
In fact, it sits right up there with... To Kill a Mockingbird...The Hobbit....& Big Fish - A Novel of Mythic Proportion's, and maybe, right beside Mockingbird !
The story of the journey of B. Thankful, and a cast of other quirky, wonderful character's, in a setting that will make you laugh, cry, lose your breath over passage's that are so profound, you absolutely have to put the book down, to gulp air!
I think this book should be mandatory reading for the world !
Simply, amazing....go read it NOW !!!
You'll be SO glad you did !

My Sibes

Seven years ago, when I was still doing rescue and fostering, I got a message about two beautiful white Sibes that had been left at the Chilton County Animal Shelter. They were gorgeous, and since the shelter really didn't have any room for them, I went to get them. Left that morning headed up I-65, and got just this side of Montgomery, and realized I needed gas. Pulled into a station, and lo and behold, didn't have my wallet.
I'd left it sitting on the bar.
I scrounged $12 out of the pockets and bottom of my purse (gas was MUCH cheaper then) and went on...knowing I wasn't going to have enough gas to get there and back home.
Oh, well...cross that bridge, when I get to it.
Got to the shelter, and found the dogs.
They had closed and left for the day, but, knowing I was coming, had left the gate unlocked for me.
I went in and managed to get the female just fine, but this HUGE black dog would NOT let me get close to the male. Started a fight with him, everytime he got near me. Well, with no one there to help me get him, I had to leave him.
He did get placed in a good home in Atlanta though, so that worked out very well.
I got as far as I could get on the gas I had, and pulled into a station, and went in, and explained to the lady that I needed gas, but had no cash, or credit card, having left my wallet at home. I did however have my checkbook, and would she PLEASE take a check for my gas, so I could get home ?
She did (Thank You Lord & Lady) and I made it home with Shay.
Well, SHAY turns out, is very much pregnant !
With no information on the dogs (they'd been left chained to the fence at the shelter) we had no idea what we'd end up with..BUT...seven years ago yesterday, Shay gave birth to 5 of the most beautiful little husky pups, you ever saw ! We lost the second pup though.
I kept Kody and Kisha (who I helped deliver) and one of my dearest friends, Madeline, has Shayla and Lakota, in Gulfbreeze. Someone stole Kody from our yard, when they were about a year old (hope you are doing fine somewhere, little one) and we were left with Kisha, who is still just as fat and sassy as ever. all of them are fine, and much loved. Shay killed my parrot, BB, so I had a really hard time keeping her after that. We found her a good home with a friend of my mother in law, (who didn't have birds) though, and she lived several more years, very happy.
Rescuing and fostering has given me some of the greatest joy in my life. I write this, hoping it will inspire YOU, to do the same.
Happy Birthday Babies !

What's Going On ?

Hi y 'all,
Yeah, it's been a while...
Been kind of busy though, so havn't really taken the time to spout off here.
You can forgive me, or consider yourself Blessed, that I havn't...either one is fine.
We have been HOUSE hunting....trying to get moved out of MOLD HOLE HOLLER, as hard as we can.
You would not BELIEVE what a fiasco it's been either.
Warren is buying a house, since, until Tommy get's his disability, we can't afford to buy a cup of coffee !
He went to a Mortgage company, got pre-qualified, and is set to go...but, just try to find a house that doesn't have issues....It's impossible...That, or God is really watching out for us one !
( This is MY theory, anyway)
First house Warren offers on...they will not loan on, because it has a pool, and no one can confirm that the pool is in working order or not....so, scratch that !
Then he finds a house that he really loves, and offers on it. They accept his offer, but with conditions.....like, they want him to use some mortgage company THEY use....( starting to smell something fishy) ??? plus, they want his agent (someone he has known for years, and is a good friend) to cut his commission... (Really starting to smell unethically ROTTEN, now) so he tells them what they can DO with their house, and we are back to square one....Then he finds this GREAT house with almost five acres, a six stall barn, a pond, and he is in horse heaven....Makes an offer, and they counter....HE counters, and they counter back...then we find out USDA will not loan on a property with a BARN....WHAT !!! USDA is a program for RURAL properties, but you can't have a BARN ??? I mean...SERIOUSLY !!!..... but the house really speaks to him, like nothing else has, and keeps nagging at him, so he goes back with an offer to go FHA, a few weeks later...THIS time, they accept his offer, but, again...with conditions....like, he can't have it inspected (Y'all see that red flag too) and they will KEEP his rather large amount of ernest money, should the sale fall through, for ANY reason.... I DON'T THINK SO !
So, here we go again.....He found another one last week, really GREAT house, in his price range, and went to offer on it, but someone else beat him to it....
I mean, can you believe this ??? Anyway...we go out to the Little Horse Farm again yesterday, and discover WHY they don't want an inspection....THINK TERMITES !!!!
Warren talked to his agent about it last night, who , in turn, talked to the listing agent, and she tells him, that, they will HELP with the termite situation....Well, first he has to have it inspected, to find out how much, if any, structural damage there might be...so, do we, or don't we ???
He REALLY wants this house, and, providing it is ok, he's getting it for an amazing price, so he's going out of pocket, and having it inspected, before he considers making another offer...It's worth the money to find out, once and for all if it's a do'able deal, or not... He'll KNOW,one way or another anyway....and, can put it out of his mind and move on, if it won't fly...but, he REALLY loves this house , and it IS amazing, so, y'all please say a ltl prayer, that it happens, and doesn't end up being a catastrophe....We REALLY need to get out of here !


I'll let you know what happens !!!

What I've Learned

Today I am one year older.

Youth is disappearing in my rear view mirror, faster than I can slow down.

I sat on the porch this morning, having coffee with God, and the hummers, and thought about what I'd learned in all these years.

I've learned that I am dying by millimeters, everyday...even as I am living the best that I can.

The race isn't really about WHEN you finish, though, as much as it is HOW you finish.

I've learned to walk in the woods...that the laundry will still be there waiting for me.

I've learned that my animal's are probably the only being's in my life, who truely love me unconditionally, especially since Momma and Daddy are gone.

They loved me unconditionally too...Hell, they loved me in spite of me, a lot of times.

My husband of almost 40 years, has no other choice, but to love me unconditionally now...I mean..he ain't gong anywhere, at this point, and neither am I.

My kid's come pretty close to it, but they are still learning, so I allow them the room they need to grow...they'll get there too.

I've learned that old folk's are treasure's, and the time you spend with them can be one of the greatest gift's you can give yourself (as well as them) !

I've learned that good friend's, good food, good music, and maybe some good wine, or a really good cup of coffee, makes for a really GOOD time.

It doesn't have to be expensive either...in fact, I've learned that I'd much rather de-bra, kick off my earth shoes, and wear pant's with an elastic waist, than to dress up in heel's and frill's !

I've learned that saying I Love You is well and good, but showing "I love you" is even better, and sometimes all it cost is a smile.

I've learned that a lot of preacher's and politician's are psycho, and it isn't healthy to pay that much attention to them. It's better for your blood pressure if you don't...besides, Nut's fall off the tree eventually anyway.

I've learned that the only money you REALLY need in life is "enough".

I've learned that Life, even with all the heartache that you may experience, is really quite comical, most of the time, and that babies, and laughter and petting your animal's are the BEST high !

I've learned that I can STILL learn, and laugh when I can't...(think...SMART PHONE, here) !!

I've learned that the miracle really IS the journey....and, I'm loving this roadtrip, bumps and all....

Missing Momma

She would have been 85 today.
She died in 1972...just 46 years old.
It takes my breath away when I think that I am now ten whole years older than she was, when she died.
I was seventeen, and WAY too full of myself...and thought my world had come to an end.
My sister and I left everything we'd ever known as "normal" and headed out for places that neither of us wanted to be.
I'm not sure we "ever" got used to it either.
Oh, we adjusted, and went on...made lives for ourselves, but there hasn't been one day in all of these 39 years, that Momma's absence has not been felt.
She never saw either one of us graduate, get married, have children...never knew the sweet smell of those newborn babies, or cuddled them close to her breast.
Never did a birthday party or a first Christmas, or watched with pride, as they hit a home run or scored a touchdown...
Never saw them graduate and start having her GREAT grandchildren.
I wish I had a nickel for every time I've said, "I wish I knew how Momma did"....(whatever)
We couldn't call her and say "Hey Momma, How do I make this baby stop crying....or, how do you make "your" gumbo...or what goes in Hungarian Gouloush ? (Took YEARS to finally figure THAT one out)
We could never go "home to Momma" when we fought with our spouse, or when we divorced them, or when we just REALLY needed to get away from them, before we killed them...no, we had to go elsewhere...most times to each other...
I mean, don't get me wrong... Daddies have their place too, but for some things, only a Momma will do !
I sat on the porch this morning, as the sun came up, and thought about all the things I've missed with her...and, knowing it just makes me miss her more...
My heart breaks when someone loses their parent, because I know that, no matter what age we are when it happens, it creates a void that lasts forever.
Anyway, these are my thoughts today, and later I will raise a glass in Momma's honor, and send birthday greetings toward the stars...
Miss you Momma....Happy Birthday...

Here it is - in black and white

When I die, I want someone to promise me, that you will find a canary yellow 1967 Chev Malibu (with black interior) and start at one end of Beaver Dam Road,and get that car up to about 75 mph (like I used to do) and then, just let my ashes fly.
I ran that road again yesterday, for the 999th time, and it was as fabulous as the very first time. A Hyundai doesn't get it like the Malibu did, even though the road is paved now, but I gave it my best. With the windows down and the smell of Mississippi farmland blowing in my face, it came to me, that that was as close to heaven as I could get ALIVE...
The freedom of being sixteen, having no responsibility, and just looking for joy, hit me in the face as I took each curve, making me grin and holler, just as big and loud as it ever did and reminded me that, sometimes you have to take a little risk to find joy, but odds are, you'll appreciate all that much more when the risk pays off...
So, whoever ends up taking care of the business of getting me settled...THIS is how I want it done.
Wouldn't hurt my feelings at all, either, if you slide in a Mississippi Fred McDowell CD, and turn the volume up wide open too...

Think About It...

Talked to a very good friend of mine yesterday, and she informed me that her Momma's Alzheimer's Disease had progressed to the point where (in her words) she is crazier than a junk yard dawg !

Now, I love her Momma better than grits, and it hurt my heart so bad to hear that.

I HATE that disease. It means you watch your loved one die in bits and pieces and, it is slow and both physically and emotionally draining for the caregiver.

I know she and her Daddy and brother have their hands full, but they are determined to keep her at home as long as they can.

It got me to thinking about my own situation too.

My greatest fear is having to be dependant on others for my care, and I know, with MS, it's very likely that could eventually happen, but I am doing all that I can to prevent it, or at the very least, postpone it, as long as I can.

It's not that I mind someone else taking care of me...I got over that a long time ago...one of the benefit's of 30+ years of Nursing.

I just don't want to be a burden on my family or anyone else.

That's the main thing.

So, I have a living will.

WHY ??

Well, if I had a nickel for all those poor people I witnessed, suffer SO much, throughout my career, because they did NOT have one, I'd be sitting pretty right now...financially, anyway!

My own Grandmother stayed in the hospital on a ventilator for fourteen months (on Medicaid...your dime and mine) begging anyone who would listen, to be taken off of it...but, SHE was deemed incompetent to make that decision for herself at that point, and since all of her children couldn't agree on what to do....she (and they) suffered .

Her little body finally just gave out, but not before she suffered the loss of her independence, the loss of her dignity, the loss of control over her own life.

I saw this happen to so many people, and it is probably one of the hardest aspect's of Nursing.

You want to help, but you also know that most of what you are doing is only prolonging someones misery, and THAT guilt is a bitter pill to swallow!

I later watched my Dad die, after two months of extreme misery, for everyone.

He was SO sick !

But, he had a living will.

He had it drawn up almost immediately after what happened to my Grandmother.

He made the decision three times, to be put on a vent, before he died.

I was his designated health care proxy, and I'll be honest....I was scared to death, that he'd slip into a coma or something, and I'd have to make that decision...so, I DO know how hard it is to be in that place...I still don't know if I could have done it or not, and I am eternally grateful, that I did NOT have to make that call.

I'll go to my grave believing that Daddy decided to die so that we would not have to care for him though.

I was set to bring him home on Monday, and he stayed on me, worrying about how I could take care of him, and WORK !

He was still worrying about ME !

I just kept telling him, "Don't worry about it, we will handle it."

and...we WOULD have, but...a couple of nights before he died... in his "absolute" right mind, he told his Doctor, that he did not want to be put on a ventilator again... insisted that I stay with him that night, which I did, and he spent the entire night, telling me exactly what he expected me to do !

Then, on Saturday, he did slip into that coma, and just after midnight, my sister and step-sister's, who were sitting with me, got up to go to the bathroom, and I stayed in the room with Daddy.

Holding his hand, I felt him tense...

I checked his pulse, which was very rapid and thready at first, then it slowed and became even more erratic...and, I knew he was leaving...

I bent over him and kissed his cheek, and told him, " it was ok... we would be ok, and that God was holding out his hand to him, and that I wanted him to take it and go home"...second hardest thing I have ever done in my life...but, he relaxed and exhaled one last time, and he was gone...but, the presence of God, in that room, was as thick as a foggy morning on the Bay...I felt it as I never had before, and in that moment, my absolute faith in HIM was reassured, and I knew Daddy was ok...but, you will never convince me that he didn't have a part in deciding how his life ended....

So, if and when I wind up in that situation, or if I can't speak for myself, there are clear cut instructions to my family regarding what my wishes are.

I have someone named to be my health care proxy, as well, if, for some reason I can't speak for myself. Someone I trust to carry out my wishes, regarding what I want and DON' T want done.

I will NOT repeat my Grandmother's fate. I will NOT put that burden on my family.

It is something we ALL need to think about...

Having a living will does NOT mean that what you put in it is "written on a rock' though !

YOU can change anything on it, or your health care proxy can, if you can't...at anytime.

So...just PLEASE think about it...

Most of the time, Medicine is admirable and ethical, and works to the advantage of everyone who needs it, but this is not a perfect world, and, Medicine too, is flawed...I would not want to see any of you go through the misery of being at the mercy of Medicine alone.

If you do NOT have a living will...think about getting one....

Please...

Coping Mechanism's of a (Forever and EVER -AMEN) Marriage

I see on Facebook, that day after tomorrow is my...hang on a minute, I gotta count...36th wedding anniversary...hummm...or is it 360 ?

Sometime's it feels like it...and sometimes, it still seems like it was just yesterday.

I think back to the two people we were in 1975, and don't recognize either one of them.

The ONLY thing that has NOT changed, is that with FEW exception's...we have nothing in common, which is proof still, that opposites attract !

Back then, he had hair and I was skinny. Now he is bald, and I am not so skinny.

(But, I STILL have hair, and plenty of it, which really pisses him off) !!!

(Insert wicked grin here)

Both of us have always loved music, and that remains a constant...and, both of us still believe in God and family FIRST.

We love our kid's more than life...kid's we didn't think we'd ever have...and, THEY are our BEST work.

The thing's that we differ in....there are not enough GB on this computer to list them, but...we've each learned a thing or two about how to overcome them, and make this marriage last...

First of all...communicate...when necessary !

It is imparitive that you listen to each other and talk to each other, but only about those thing's you have in common...When something else comes up, punch the IGNORE button.

There is a trick to that though...

I can have a complete conversation with my husband, about something we disagee on (political issue's, for instance) respond appropriately to everything he say's and send him off, under the impression that I totally "got it" although I couldn't tell you one word he said.

He does the same thing to me too...

It takes TIME to learn how to do that too , but it CAN be mastered.

These past three years have really been a test in that for me though...See, He had open heart surgery, and I swear...I don't know WHAT they did, but they put him to sleep, and he woke up, Republican !

More than just Republican....he just flat woke up Nucking Fut'z when it comes to politic's.

Used too, he could care less about political stuff...oh, we'd discuss it, but we never argued about it...because we pretty much agreed on it...but, NOW....OMG !

It's really not even about party lines either...I mean, He will crank up the bitch machine on any politician, or any issue, depending on how mad it makes him...and it keeps him stirred up most all the time.

POX news play's on one (or more, if he has HIS way about it) TV in our house, just about 24/7.

I cannot TELL you how ILL it makes me... to wake up at 1am to go to the bathroom, and see Glenn Beck's ugly mug on TV (insert THREE eyeroll's here) !!!

I honestly think I do pretty good, but that ignore button only works for just so long, on some thing's (like Glenn Beck at 1am) and then I can't help it...I throw me one hell of a hissy fit, banning POX News, and politic's in general, OR ELSE....

OR ELSE, means somebody's gonna have a new address ...if it's me, I have a place to go, and if it's him, it might very well be under that bridge down on Moffat Rd, because , you can write it on a ROCK...NO ONE (in their right mind) is going to put up with POX News 24/7...

So, you might be wondering "What about MY faults" ...

I don't have any...

well, maybe a couple.

I used to be a NICE lady....sweet, kind, calm, loving....until I turned fifty.

Fifty freed me from all that nonsense.

I'm still not a mean person, but my filter is much thinner than it used to be, and I am just as liable to moon a redneck flying down the road, with my bigole white grannie panties, as to look at him...and...YES, I did...and he damn well deserved it too !

So, yeah..I say what I think now...and if you don't like it...well...that's pretty much just TUFF !

I am not as good a housekeeper as I used to be...I admit it, and I don't cook every night either.

I used to LOVE to cook, and fed my family HUGE meals...not anymore !

I take it in spells now...when I FEEL like it (which isn't very often)

So, NO...I'm not the perfect little wife I used to be, but...Oh Well !

There is always "OR ELSE"....

So, after 36 years...it's really more like 38, since we've been together since 1973...we are at the very least "tolerable" to each other, and at the most....still at it.

Maybe not "rip your clothes off" at it anymore, but we can still sit on the porch together, in total silence and relish nature ...finish each other's sentences, and sometimes, answer each other's question's before they are even asked...so, it isn't so bad....

In fact....it's pretty darn good most of the time...

If Trees Could Talk...

I think they do

Allergies = Sulfa and Demerol !

Today is my oldest son's birthday.
Brought back a couple of memories, I thought I'd share !
About this time, 32 years ago, Doc was rolling me on a stretcher, to the neo-natal intensive care nursery to see my son for the first time.
I was pre-eclamptic and had abrupto placenta with Erik, and went into the delivery room that cold Jan night, not sure if I or my child would see daylight, but we did, Praise God !
Well, being high as a kite on demerol, I saw a few "other" things besides daylight !
Talk about tripping !!!
As I lay on that stretcher, looking at my child for the first time, my first thought was, "Oh, what a beautiful color he is." ....cause he was GOLD !!!!
I thought, Lord, you have given me "The Golden Child" !
Doc quickly explained to me that...no, Sandy...He isn't gold...you are drugged and it just looks that way because of the lighting in that room...
Oooooo-K !!!
He grew up to be a fine young man, and I am PROUD to be his Mom....

Flash forward a few years...I am recovering from another surgery...on my neck this time.
High on demerol, AGAIN....I had this awesome dream, that QVC was featuring the most wonderful, CHEAP, linens, and I was determined to get them.
I dreamed I reached over to my purse...got my credit card out...called the number on the screen and ordered me some sheets !
Then, the dream faded, and when I woke up, I thought, "What a strange thing to dream."...because I had never ordered anything from QVC in my life and wouldn't be caught dead doing so....never thought about it again.....
Until.....
Several day's later, after I'd gone home...laying on the sofa, just chilling...I hear this knock on the door.
I get up and go see who is there, and find out it's Fed-Ex, and some guy is handing me a box....that contains a set of sheets in it !
Hummmm....guess it wasn't a dream after all...
What's more....I get ANOTHER box, containing ANOTHER set of sheets the next day !
Not only had I NOT dreamed I'd ordered sheets...I'd ordered TWO set's of sheets...one for me, and one for my best friend !
and, believe me it was NOT cheap !!!!
so, from now on.....I am ALLERGIC to Demerol !!!

Sweet Potato Love...

Some years back, I was browsing around the bookstore, and saw this book, "The Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love" by Jill Conner Browne...
On the cover were a group of women dressed up in the most outlandish outfit's I'd ever seen !
Big red hair, BIGGER BOOBS, sequins and majorette boots !
I'm like..."What in THE world" !!!
First of all, it was the Sweet Potato Queen thing that drew me to it...see, my Momma alway's called herself "The Sweet Potato Queen" because she HATED sweet potatoes !
I remember her tellin' about how they walked 200 miles to school in the snow, rain, sleet....whatEVER...carrying with them a sweet patato and a biscuit, in a syrup can for their lunch everyday...consequently, she always said, " I am the sweet patato queen...If I never eat another sweet patato, it'll be TOO SOON " !!!
I LOVE them, but she wouldn't eat them, and never bought them.

Anyway, I picked up this book..took it home, and read it !
One of the most amazing book's I've ever read...AND, turn's out, I KNEW the author...well, used too anyway !
Back in the day, when thing's were usually alway's REALLY foggy, if you know what I mean !
We hung around some of the same people, and met several times, but that was about the same time I left Jackson too, so we never became what you would call friends...but, I was in instant awe of Jill, her message , and her people !
I went to her website, which housed "The Messageboard of Love" at the time, and met some of them...this HUGE following of some of the funniest, wittiest, dearest women on the planet.
I knew immediately, I had found "My People" !

One of the first people to greet me was Dutchy...an amazing little sprite of a woman, who had the MOST energy ! She absolutely vibrated with life ! FUNNY and kind and compassionate, are just a few of the words that describe Dutchy, and they don't do her justice.
You just had to know her.
Well, a couple of years into my experience there, Dutchy got cancer.
She fought the good fight !
She fought hard, but she didn't win...or maybe she did...I guess it's all in how you look at it.
She was a shining example of how one deals with something like that with grace and dignity though, and she taught us all a lesson , not in dying...but in LIVING !
Dutchy still lives...in the hearts of so many.

Another fabulous person I met there, was Pateeta.
Pateeta is another one who can make you split your britches, laughing...
Funny and CRAZY...good crazy though....I am smiling right now, as I type this, thinking about how many times she has made me laugh.
Funny and kind and compassionate...Pateeta took care of Dutchy during her battle with cancer...there for her, when no one else could be...
She taught us all a lesson in caring...what it means to REALLY do it.

Now, Pateeta is fighting her own battle with Cancer...
She has for sometime now...and through it all, she has remained...funny, witty, kind, compassionate, full of grace and dignity...and she is teaching us another lesson in love and living...and, how to do it.

My heart is heavy today, as I think of Patty and what she is going through...and, I pray so hard, that she is comfortable...in no pain...with all her loved one's near...
My heart is also full of joy too though...the joy of knowing her...
I am so grateful that God saw fit to lead me to Pateeta and Dutchy, and all of the wonderful women and men, I have met through Sweet Patato Love...

If you can't say something good about someone...

Just, SHUT-UP !
I am SO TIRED of nasty politic's, I could scream !
Saturday, a horrible tragedy happened at the hands of a madman.
Never mind what color he was, if he was left, right, liberal, extremist, gay, straight...whatever !
He was/is C-R-A-Z-Y !!!
PERIOD !

My husband is a POX News junkie, and everytime I go in the room, where he has it on, and hear ; OBAMANATION, or hear President Obama referred to as "The Annointed One" or just being being bashed in some form... When I hear past President's being bashed, and just flat out disrespected...
At first I was just sad that we seem to have lost our RESPECT, but now I'm actually getting angry.
I mean...WHAT has happened to us...
We may be Democrat or Republican, or Liberal or Conservative, or Tea Party or whatever...but we are FIRST...AMERICAN'S !
The America that I grew up in and remember and MISS....was respectful ...regardless of our differences.
That's one of the basic freedom's that we have...the freedom to be different....and, it be O.K. !
Are we losing that ?
I have to wonder...

I want MY America back !
I want people to just start being respectful again...you don't even have to be nice...just civil and respectful...is that too much to ask ?
OK...Rant over !

A sad entry

I don't understand suicide...Depression, yes...but suicide....never.
Not that it hasn't crossed my mind a couple of times, it has...but only for a moment...only long enough to ask myself, "Are you CRAZY" !!!
See, I am all about the determination not to let myself get bogged down in the quicksand that is depression.
If depression is my enemy, then I am resolute in that I WILL BE a stronger warrior than He...and, I WILL win that battle ...EVERYTIME !
It just IS who I am...and, even though I KNOW that people DO get so depressed and fall into such a pit of despair, that no matter how HARD they may want to get out...they can't seem to grasp hold of any rope that is thrown at them, to help them survive...I still don't understand why they can't just "snap out of it" ...and, I really don't mean to sound cruel, or to make light of the seriousness of Depression. I don't...
I know it is real...My own son has fought with Depression many times...I've seen him struggle to avoid it, to not let it get a hold of him, to move past it...and, that turn of words I used...the pit you want so desperately to get out of, but just can't seem to grasp hold of the rope...those are his words...his description of it...so, even though I do not understand it, I KNOW it is real...I know it is SO painful...
It is painful, as a Mother, to watch your child go through it, and feel helpless to do anything about it...but, I'm being completely honest here...I still do NOT understand it...
Christmas Eve, as we waited for another member of our party to arrive, to begin our celebration of the day, our communion with each other... we were unaware that she had already taken her life.
I don't know "why" !
There is no why, that justify's that for me...so, it doesn't matter, why...
Why is, and will always be, just an empty room with nothing in it, but maybe speculation...
In retrospect, sure there were little signs, that today, we understand completely, but just didn't see before...
So, today, a lot of us feel guilt for that, and we ask ourselves,
Did she think the world didn't need her ?
Of course it did.
Did she feel she had no purpose ?
We ALL do.
Did she not feel loved ?
She was loved...she was dearly loved and will be missed...
I don't really know why I am writing this, except that I feel extremely sad right now...and, I want people to know that this really happens...and can happen to all of us...so, make sure everyday, that those you love, KNOW they are loved...KNOW they are valued...NEEDED !
Death is hard enough, when it is from natural causes...
Suicide is not painless...

Bittersweet

I started writing after Mom died...poetry, prose, short stories...mostly just expression of all the emotion I was dealing with at the time. It was therapeutic for me.

When I left home (Jackson) for the last time, knowing I wouldn't be returning, I wrote this...

and....so, as I stand here, waiting to go,

I feel I can't leave without letting you know,

that in just a few moments a new era begins,

and I hope this is how the old one will end.

By remembering the moments, remembering the smiles,

and measuring no distance between us but miles...

There was more to it, but I can't remember it now...It was written to one person, but as the years went by, I realized it was really to everyone I had left behind.

Everyone who had a part in the making of me...

Each and everyone of them, a fiber in the tapestry that I would become.

Yesterday, I found out that one of those who contributed to who I am, left us this year.

I re-connected with an old friend, and asked about Lori, fully expecting to hear that she was doing fine, living in blah blah, doing great things (because I knew that she would) and the LAST thing I expected to hear was that she is gone.

Well, not "Gone"...because I don't believe we are ever truely, "Gone" !

Just take yesterday, in fact....Lori was with me all day, after I got that news...

Couldn't shake her...

Everytime I turned around, her energy was right there with me.

Flashback's of times we shared....the faint sound of her laughter tickling me throughout the day.

Even now, I can feel her...standing right over my shoulder, reading as I type...

No, she is not gone...

She is in my heart. She is in my memory. She is a fiber in the tapestry of who so many of us are.

She is in her work, that she left behind for all of us to have, and she is in the eye's and familiar gesture's of her children, and their children...and she will go on forever...

But, I sure wish that I could have hugged her one more time...

Thanksgiving Past, Present and Future

Thanksgiving has always been a HUGE part of my life.
From childhood, I can remember packing up and going to Grandma's house for the day.
We cousin's would all bundle up (I honestly remember it being colder then) and play in the lane in front of the house, while the cooking was being done....the men sat in front of the fire,and shared coffee and other libation after a morning of hunting was done.
I remember the year that Freda and I were attacked by turkey's in that lane...also the year they pooped all over Uncle Rick's white corvette - was NOT a pretty sight !

I remember the FOOD !
Have never tasted food as good !
Grandma's yeast roll's and coconut cake...aw, MAN...what I'd give for a bite of each again !
As we got older,as in...too good to play in the lane anymore, even though we really wanted too...we'd help in the kitchen and easedrop on all the gossip.
Little picture's really DO have BIG ear's, and you'd be amazed at how much they understand too !
I tried to keep this in mind, after I became the adult, talking around the kid's !
I'm sure mine heard some stuff though...It's just a given, that a bunch'a women, cooking...are going to gab about stuff...some things ok...other's not so ok...

Thanksgiving is the first holiday that I remember spending with my future inlaw's too.
My mother in law, rest her soul, could put ON a Thanksgiving, lemme tell ya !
NO ONE before or since, has ever made dressing like her's either....even me, as hard as I have tried to reproduce it.
Now, Thanksgiving at my inlaw's has never been boring. The conversation alone was fantastic.
Growing up around a carnival, they would start talking about that, and we'd all be mesmerized.
Of course, there was and still is (if you put all three Smith boy's in the same room together) the MUSIC argument...It start's and everyone else moans and roll's their eye's...and yell's SHUT UP in 6 part harmony !
Now, we just try not to put all three in a room together at the same time anymore.
After my Father in law passed and it became too hard for my Mother in law to try to do it all, anymore (even thought she still made the dressing) we did Thanksgiving at my sister-in-law's house a few times. Everybody brought stuff and we had great food and lot's of fun, watching our kid's "do" Thanksgiving. Some years we've done it at my house and had everyone over...mostly though, since the kid's got grown, we've all just sort'a stayed at home for the most part. Thanksgiving got "quieter" !

Seems like things are changing again though.
Last year we joined my future daughter-in-law's family for Thanksgiving, and had a great time.
This year, we will do that again...at my son and daughter's house... everyone bringing something, sharing...more of us, now family, at the table.
I think about Thanksgiving,past...and mourn for those who are not here...but, I am SO very grateful for them...I think about Thanksgiving, present, and smile with anticipation.
Thanksgiving in the Future...I'll take them as they come, and be Thankful for each and everyone of them...
I pray you all have a wonderful, safe and Happy Thanksgiving.
Blessings...

Unexpected Blessings

Once upon a time, long ago...I was a teenager, wrapped up in my own little world, which was ALL ABOUT ME !
I was having "fun" and doing everything I was big enough to do and then some.
Then I found out Momma was dying of Cancer.
I prayed to God to PLEASE not let her die...and, that if he would do that, I would never do drugs again.
Well, she died...and I was SO angry at God, but I still didn't do drugs again.
God didn't really have anything to do with that though (or, so I thought, then)
Nope... (corny as it may sound) I knew Momma could now see everything I was doing !
So, I didn't do anything that I thought she'd whup my butt for after that...but, I know now, that had she lived...I honestly might not have...because I was right there, before she got sick....right about ready for a needle in my arm, or something equally as deadly.


Flash forward a few years... I had been married about seven months... had found myself out of a job, when my Boss closed the daycare she owned, after the loss of her son, Deputy David Beck, who along with his partner, Deputy Frank Stoltz, were ambushed and killed, while trying to apprehend the two criminal's who killed them.
We found out about it through the New's media.
It was devestating for all of those who knew and loved them.

I was given the choice to draw unemployment or go to school.
Well, my Momma didn't raise no fool...I jumped at school !
I could become a Cosmetoligist, which, as you can plainly see, wasn't for me...I can't even SPELL it ...and besides...one of the hardest whuppin's I ever GOT in my life, was after I'd put a bowl over my little sister's head, and proceded to whakk her hair all to pieces !
NO WAY, I was EVER going to put another pair of sissors to someone's hair again !

or

I could become a Nurse...a Licensed Practical Nurse, to be specific.
Humm, I thought.....JOB SECURITY !
I mean, people are always going to be sick, right ?
and...even though I did have this habit of fainting at the sight of blood, I still thought I could do it.
I did...and, found my niche.
Finished LPN school and went right on back to school to get my degree in Nursing.
RN...Real Nurse, they called it...but, the truth is...any nurse is a REAL NURSE !

Because, two good men gave their lives to protect and serve people, such as I...I found the Blessing of Nursing.

Along about that same time, I met Clara...the BEST friend anyone could ever ask for.
For ten years, she was my friend, my mentor, my sister...
Clara was diagnosed with breast cancer the year I met her, and fought it harder than anyone I have ever known ...and BEAT it for a few years too.
It came back as Bone cancer a few years later, and she could not win that fight.
Losing Clara was almost as hard for me, as losing my Mom some seventeen years earlier, with the exception of the fact that, with Clara, I was actually able to do something useful...help her...give her shots for nausea, after she had chemo, answer questions, LISTEN and CARE...not just as a Nurse, but as someone who loved her very much.
I was able to understand, probably better than most other's around at the time, what Clara's kid's were going through, since I'd been there too, not so long ago.
I like to think that, because of that I was able to be of some help to them.
I hope so.
I remember something Clara told me, not too long before she died...something Vicka (one of the visionaries in Medjugorie, Yugoslavia) had told her, when she'd asked her if it were wrong to ask for the miracle of a healing.
Vicka had told her, that "Sometimes the miracle is not in the healing, but in the journey."
When she told me that, it occurred to me, that Clara (although she had no idea of it) was a miracle in my journey...
Knowing her, loving her, being able to help her through her own journey, that was way too short, was in a way, healing for me....you see, because of Clara, I stopped hating God for taking Momma.
Clara gave me back the Blessing of Faith.

Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.
I can honestly say, I didn't get mad...no, by then I was just grateful for all the stuff that was happening to me, to have a real name to it...I mean, something other than CRAZY !
No, I didn't get mad....I got determined....probably more determined, than I'd ever been in my life...NOT to let MS control me.
I found a strength inside myself, I didn't know I had.
I'm still fighting that fight, and winning more days than not....and, even though it did, finally cause me to have to stop Nursing...that is just a bump in the road... I am still determined, and I have FAITH that God will continue to Bless me with the strength to fight.

This morning, I thought about an old saying I've alway's heard..."God doesn't close one door, that he doesn't open another."

It's definately true in my life...what about yours ?

Reality Bites !

I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis back in 01 ( If my MS brain remembers correctly) somewhere around there, anyway.
Doc asked me then if I wanted to file for my disability, to which I responded, " You have GOT to be kidding...who the EFF can live on that." ???
Not to mention that I really love Nursing.
I have to admit though, that, in the beginning, I chose Nursing for one reason and one reason only...job security !
I mean, I used to faint at the sight of blood....I DID !
but, see...I married a musician...and, one of us HAD to have a real job, to survive, if we intended to stay married...
God intended for me to be a Nurse though....I know this, because Nursing, not only fed my family...it fed my soul.
I met and worked with, and cared for, and became close to so many wonderful people.
Many, who have remained in my life until even now.
I wasn't about to give that up.
I continued to work.
I was determined not to let MS dictate how I lived my life...control my life.
I did pretty good for awhile...had bad days and good days...maybe a few bad weeks, here and there, if a flare was really bad, but I managed.
Almost made it ten more years, and then the chair got me...
Office chair tumped (yes, tumped is a word in the south) me out and then fell on top of me, across my neck and shoulders, and ended up being the straw that almost broke this bitches neck !
C 4/5 and 5/6 fused and then 2 more surgeries to a torn rotator cuff ( they can cut my neck anyday, before I'll let them do THAT again) and now, facing yet another surgery on C5/6 again.
Well, stuff such as this is like gasoline on a fire, where MS is concerned...
I've had more crap with the MS in the two years since the Battle of the Chair, than I ever had before, but I still refused to file.
Kept hoping that I'd get better and be able to go back to work.
When my arm still wouldn't work after the shoulder surgery, I finally conceded, and filed though.
It is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Why ???
Because, even now...my brain refuses (to some extent) to accept that I can't BE a good Nurse anymore.
If something happens or someone asks me a question, I still shift into NURSE mode.
I guess I always will.
How does that go....You can take the girl out of Nursing, but you cannot take the Nurse out of the girl.
Even when I finally filed for disability, I was convinced that it would only be temporary.
I had set this goal for myself, that I would Nurse until I couldn't walk anymore...if that day ever came.
It never occured to me, that you needed two good arms to do it too ..and STAMINA !
and a brain (that works)
Most day's I am ok...but other day's, ...ummm...and it was on one of THOSE day's, not too long ago, that it finally dawned on me, that, if I had been working that day...what kind of care would I have been able to give my patients ?
Would "I" have wanted me to be MY Nurse !
and, that, my friends...is when reality BIT me !
If I cannot be the kind of Nurse I would want for myself, or for my child, or parent... then I don't want to do it anymore...and, I can't.
Well, lemme tell you...THAT HURT !
I cried and threw myself a good hissy fit, and then went to my pity party, and had too much whine ...and cried myself to sleep, and woke up the next day, as hungover as if I really had drank too much wine.
I knew however, that I'd finally hit that wall, that had the billboard on it that said to me, Your done !
I don't have any choice but to accept it now.
I am NOT "done" though.
There will be other things for me to do.
Stories to write, animal's to rescue, volunteer stuff.
I will have this next surgery, and then it's Katy, Bar the Door !
I'm going to live everyday as fully as I can until I ain't breathing anymore.
Nursing might not be a part of it, but I can live with that now.
Reality BIT, and now, I am biting back !

Friends

It's been a few days since I posted.

A very interesting few days, too.

Made it to Jackson last week and the Canton Flea Market.

(much harder to walk those streets than the last time I went- I am still recovering)

Went with a good friend, who is becoming a REALLY good friend.

Stayed with an old friend from ....Jr High and High School, and enjoyed a Pampered Chef party, hosted by another friend from Jr High and High School days. In attendance were some other old friends from my youth, as well as some newer friends and some brand new friends.

We had a BLAST !

Got home Friday and CRASHED...gettin' too old for those two dayer's...most I can handle anymore is a few hours at a time, I think.

What a drag too...especailly when your brain say's GO , but your body won't move !

Came home and re-connected with another old friend from Jr High/High School, who I have been trying to find for years now.

JOY...pure JOY !

I have spent the last couple of days basking in the glow of the light that is Friendship.

So very Blessed to have had some of the same people in my life for so long.

So very Blessed to continue to add new friends to my life.

Friends who get me, Friends who know me, Friends who want to stick around because they know me and get me.

Sister's and Brother's, all

We may be apart, but we are never parted...

Mississippi Girl

I don't know why I get so homesick for Mississippi this time of year. For me, Fall (more than any other time) is when I absolutely "ache" to get back there...
I was born in Alabama and will probably die here, but genetically...I am ALL Mississippi !
I can almost spit over the state line too, I am so close, but man...even a few miles DOES make a difference.
I do believe you could blindfold me, and start driving, and I could tell you the very minute we crossed over the state line...just something about the air in Mississippi that smells like "Home" to me.
All of my family is there and I spent the early part of my life going between Jackson and Lucedale though, so maybe that's it...Maybe I sucked up so much Mississippi Red Dirt that it is 3/4 of who I am...and,maybe it is genetic...I don't know...I just know that no matter where I live...Mississippi is my HOME.
I've always heard that you can never go home too, but that's not true for me.
It's not the house I grew up in, or really even the people, although they do mean the world to me...but, I can (and have) just get in the car and drive into Mississippi for awhile and never see a soul I know there ...and, still come back here ...revived...replenished...(for awhile)
Just something about it that draws me to it...
I honestly don't think it would matter, if you cut down every tree in Mississippi and poured concrete over the entire state either...it would still be home.
One of these day's, I'll get back there for good too...see.. my boy's have been instructed to scatter my ashes from one end of Beaver Dam Road to the other, when that day comes...and then, maybe...I'll be at peace...
In the meantime, I'm gonna head that way, right here in just a little bit...get a whiff of Home... and get replenished and revived for a little while...
Today (as with everyday) I am a Mississippi Girl !